I feel so weird. So I’m off at college now and well me and Ramon broke up in July which gives me full right to talk to someone else and well this guy that lives at the dorms likes me and we’ve been spending a lot of time together. And tonight I took a nap on his bed with him and he began to put his hand on my hip and thigh and I began freaking out cause I never allowed someone else to touch me there except Ramon. And when I was hanging out with that guy all I could this about was Ramon and how I wish I could text him and just see if he still loves me. I just wanna know if he still loves me and if he does I won’t pay mind to any other guy like I did in the past. I just want Ramon but I can’t talk to him…i mean I know our relationship was horrible sometimes but in the end I knew him and he knew me and I loved him through his flaws and even though I’m not sure if he did for me but i don’t know. All i know is that I feel like a traitor being with that guy.
Every statistic that you throw at me is gonna be about other people. I don’t care about other people… I care about you and me. If every marriage failed except for one, I guarantee you that one would be ours ― Cory Matthews
Edward Frenkel and Laurent DeRobert “Existential Love and Math”
Why? Why for everything. Why was I just never good enough for you? Why was it that you could never look past my life before you? I loved you. I loved you with my whole being and still that wasn’t good enough for you. I stood by you through thick and thin, sickness and health and still I wasn’t good enough. Still you couldn’t call me beautiful in my prom dress. You couldn’t love through my faults. I loves you when you called me so many rude things when you made me feel like complete crap and I wasn’t good enough. I was homecoming queen, respected by everyone in the freaking school, I had guys chasing after me, but I paid no mind to them cause i only wanted you. I was number 7 out of he whole school, I was most spirited, and yet nothing I did was good enough for you. Why is it that I could never be the person you were wanting. I loved you and I always tried so hard for this relationship to work but it always seemed that you never wanted to try. You never wanted to give us a try. I know you left me to become closer to God but now I think about our whole relationship and all I can think is how scared I am to even trust you. You always had one foot out of the relationship and even when I pleaded for you to just put both feet in you never did. You told me you’re sorry for hurting me, but if everything could be fixed with an apology then there would not be any need for police officers.
I got rid of all of his stuff, but when I walk around my house I still feel him. His presence, I can still smell his scent on the living room pillows and when I just even walk into a room sometimes I can still picture him there waiting for me…I can’t wait till this period of hurting and grief is over.